Mary and Ian Tod have enjoyed what Mary calls "a very strong relationship and marriage" for more than 30 years. They lived in Toronto, and Mr. Tod worked as a lawyer before taking a senior-management role at a major auditing-and-tax firm, while Mrs. Tod climbed the ladder and made partner at a prominent international consulting firm. The couple, now in their 50s, raised two children and had many friends and an active social life.

But when Mr. Tod's firm asked him to take a senior position in Hong Kong last year, things changed. The move uprooted the two from their daily routines and, in his new role, Mr. Tod began traveling extensively. Without a job, friends and family, Mrs. Tod's life was dramatically different, and their relationship suffered, she says. When her husband announced over Christmas that he'd be traveling for a month starting in June, they exchanged rare sharp words.

Rather than let the situation escalate, Mr. Tod encouraged his wife to find a job, and she worked hard to be patient with her husband's heavy workload. "I think there will be a few bumps along the way," she admits, adding that they are "being a little bit extra thoughtful" with each other. Now, Mrs. Tod is job hunting and upbeat about her prospects.

Moving abroad for an expatriate assignment usually entails more than just transferring to a new workplace; it often includes taking a partner, spouse or children along, too.

The Tods had weighed how their move might affect their close-knit family prior, but a significant portion of transferring executives don't discuss the issues involved in moving a family overseas, says Robin Pascoe, author of "A Moveable Marriage: Relocate Your Relationship without Breaking It" (Expatriate Press Limited, 2003).

Ms. Pascoe informally surveyed about 200 expatriates for her book, asking them if they'd thought about how moving abroad would affect their personal situation. "Half of the respondents hadn't," she says. "I found that shocking."

Most executives who move overseas for work go with a partner. Among more than 31,000 expatriates surveyed for a 2003 GMAC Global Relocation Services report, 60% were married. But only 16% of spouses who worked before they left home also worked in their new country either because the new country's work visa rules don't allow it, or because the spouse chose not to seek employment -- or couldn't find a job.

"Family adjustment" ranked at the top of the list of concerns among expatriates, GMAC notes. Relocation experts anecdotally add that most expat assignments fail because of personal, not professional, issues, and divorce rates are higher than average.

"People have relationship challenges all over the world, and they become magnified when you're living far away from home," says Ms. Pascoe. "A relationship doesn't pack up like a piece of furniture."

Moving Is a Joint Decision

Couples considering moving abroad should "make sure it's a joint decision," advises Sheena Cholewka, 35, a Canadian expatriate. Mrs. Cholewka and her husband, Mark, have lived in various Asian locales during the past 10 years. Recently, they spent a year apart while Mrs. Cholewka attended graduate school in Vancouver and her husband started working as an executive at a restaurant-management company in Hong Kong.

Moving is "not something I'd want to do over again," says Mrs. Cholewka, who is writing her dissertation. Now settled in Hong Kong, the couple, who have a young child, still struggle with time apart due to his long workdays. But the two Canadians have agreed to re-assess their situation regularly to ensure they both remain happy living abroad.

Even short-term assignments, which companies are using more often to cut costs, can challenge couples. Angel Agudo, a Spaniard working in London for a few months on a fund-management project, calls his wife, Marta, in Madrid every day. The two also exchange daily e-mails and sometimes use Web cameras to communicate. But Mr. Agudo says they wouldn't live apart any longer than a few months.

"You have to have a personal life... and it has to be good for both of us," says Mr. Agudo, 31 years old.

The Company's View

Many companies avoid the topic of personal life when preparing expatriates, preferring to focus on job descriptions, compensation, taxation, health care and moving practicalities. "It's always tough to convince a company to spend money on something which will not have an identifiable payback," says Timothy Dwyer, national director of the international human-resources-advisory-services practice in New York for KPMG.

However, more organizations are including families in pre-assignment discussions, he says. Some firms offer relationship counseling, while others include the partner or spouse in relocation briefings. For those moving overseas or already there, "be clear about why you're taking this move," counsels Lesley Lewis, a Hong Kong-based psychologist who has been counseling expats for more than 20 years. "It takes 18 months to truly adjust" to the new place, she says, adding: "Keep sight of your values and what is important in the relationship." 

For more information or to make an appointment you can email Robbert-Jan Nuis at  rjnuis@expatriatecounseling.com  or call + 31(0)6-282 440 88

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